charisms
live to love to play at work and live and learn to love

Jun
08

There is a dichotomy in my mind. 

One that is passionate of a vision that maybe I will find lost souls for the glory of God. That maybe I will be sitting on the street talking to that girl who have been homeless for a couple of years, not knowing how it all happened, which started with an innocent taste of that one hit in that one small party and for the first time reveal to her the gift of salvation.  Or maybe I will see Julia’s face for the first time. Orphaned since birth not knowing what it feels like to be loved by a parent and just be consumed by that first real embrace for her. I dream about filming a story that compells the children of the Philippines to dream despite poverty, to desire to raise their eyes to the One who gives hope and resolve to endure to persevere in faith and in life. 

 
And then there is that other part of me. who whines and nag the Lord demanding why! why! why! why dont you just give me this and make his heart turn to this? I’ve been praying long enough! why! why! why! Then the beauty of the rainbow fades away and I resolve to a smirk on that perfect sunset that i have seen for the past 360 days. What used to be a wide eyed eager heart that is so thirsty to meet neighbors became the jaded, uninterested, trying to fit in self. 

I truly am not just proud but hate the second one. It was Paul who said “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Romans‬ ‭7:15‬ ‭NIV‬‬ However our lives are mostly a series of unthought of reactions. When I drive and change lanes, when I read emails or chat about cakes or weekends, I rarely get a chance to contemplate and carefuly premeditate my response. 

But that to me is the true beauty of God’s grace. I didn’t have to wake up the next day! Somewhere in this world is someone, who has an incomparable purer heart than I, who is in the middle of a war and being persecuted. I did not deserve to see the sunset or drive a car. But God did it! Because He can. Because He is not finished with me yet. And because His love for me is far more than what I can think of or imagine. 

As long as I see the other end of the spectrum, there’s a battle to be fought on my knees.

Oh Lord would you fan the flames in my heart and that I may create a blaze for you from where I am. I pray that your compassion be so rooted in me that I don’t have to think about it or remind myself. Transform this conflict in my mind and unite my heart to Yours. 

Amen

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Mar
29

There is nothing more sorrowful

than hurting someone you dearly love. 

Because of a foolish mistake

You always thought you’d never make. 

It pains deeply to see your love in agony

dying slowly for your misery. 

Lifting my eyes to You. 

Fool of shame. 

I made a fool of myself. 

Forgetting You. 

Would You still remember my name?

I am overwhelmed with guilt. 

Could I still call You, Father?

Or would you drive me away?

There is truly no good in me. 

I am terribly lost without You. 

Would You come to find me?

I am afraid of what I can do. 

Please, Father, I beg thee. 

In Your strength I am able to rise once more. 

Knowing every part of me. 

Only You adore. 

Rescue me from myself. 

Make me like You. 

Holy Spirit possess me. 

Rid me of my shame. 

“In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame.”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭71:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Mar
09

And then there are days just like this. When you feel invisible and the world kept turning without your existence. When all encouraging words in Bible just would not bring back the ecstacy in your heart and you face yourself in pure reality that you are dealing with sorrow. The honestly, self gratifying, victim mentality sorrow that makes you feel stuck. 

It’s true, my job right now is not my passion, but I believe in most days that the Lord placed me there. It’s also true that I wished my husband would desire to cheer me up when I tell him I am really feeling low, but he would rather spend the night in front of his favorite telenovela. It is also true that I am tired of constantly thinking about my weight and the calories I eat every waking hour. And I grit my teeth whenever I disagree with a certain work principle but try hard to dig deep and find the most acceptable “feedback” I can give. 

There are days like this when you just don’t feel like the encouragement you want to give is in you. And even if I cry for hours “Holy Spirit fill me!” It does not come. I am still unhappy with my own selfish desires. There is this heavy weight resting on my heart wanting to break through. 
These are true emotions. But emotions nonetheless. 

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭17:9‬ ‭NIV

I praise God for Jeremiah 17:9. Because it reminds me to ignore these emotions and not trust it. I can only hold on to the truths that stand the test of all time. 

And then there is Hebrews 13:8 which opens my eyes and helps me anchor to the reality of the being of Jesus. 

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭13:8‬ ‭NIV

‬‬When times like these come, I am called to die to myself, bury my wordly wants and renew my thoughts. I pray persistently that tomorrow will be a better day and that my heart will be rid of pride infused desires. 

So I rest my head on my pillow with my sorrow cast in the Lord. 

  ‬

Feb
23

Today, Sherwin and I have been married for 12 years. We are almost a quarter into our Golden anniversary. And with 3 wonderful kids now, for us, it’s not true what others say about how time flies. Every single year was felt and remembered and some years really went on and on dragging itself to December. 

We got married after 5 years of being a couple so that makes it 17 years total. We can both truly say that we have grown together. Sometimes apart, but still one. 

“But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.”

‭‭2 Peter‬ ‭3:8‬ ‭NIV‬

Many of our friends do not know that we almost did not make it to 12 years. Boy, we almost did not make it to 7 years, actually. In the year of 2010 we experienced our deepest darkest test which led to where we are now. You see, Sherwin and I entered a job at the same role. After 6 years, I was promoted 6 times and he was on the other hand still on the same job. 

At that time, in my mind I am the hero of the family, and with that comes a lot of entitlement-my joy, my decision, my pride. That also means everybody else, including my husband is not entitled to theirs. In my mind, i was very sure, I was sacrificing, working harder than everybody else and providing rightfully so. 

Then comes a night, like any regular night, I randomly fumbled into an email to my husband. Yes, there she is. The thinner, fairer, younger looking, her. From denial to anger my heart swiftly switched back and forth while time stood still. Questions such as what, when and why repeatedly numbs my mind. Watching our newly renovated home see the family living inside crumbling apart. 

It went on for two years of forgiving and repeating and blaming. There were nights that I truly desired the pain of knife slashing my wrist would be such a relief from all these darkness. Days floated by as if I wasn’t alive. While I watch my husband everyday yearning to hold someone else’s hand. 

“I brought dead people to life, how can you doubt me” 

These where the words that the Lord spoke to me one night while I was pleading to Him to change our marriage. After 2 years of agony, I decided to end our marriage. Days went by and I forced myself to believe I am in such a better place and that the greater me will pull through. 

Well, thats not the Lord’s plan. Sherwin begged and cried to come back and as it was happening I prayed and sought for His guidance. Once again, the good Lord did not fail. 

“I have forgiven you when you were still a sinner”

And so I did. We tried to rebuild our old lives with our own plans. We had rules and routines that we MUST do to avoid repeating our mistakes. But in reality, my heart has not healed, and my husband and I will never be the same couple. The doubts always keep creeping back in and the sniding remarks always blurts out. 

It is impossible to redeem your own marriage out of your own will. 

A day came when I surrendered to the Lord. It was during a time of prayer and fasting when I said, “Lord, let Your will be done on this marriage”. This then led me to a small bible study group in our workplace that meets during lunch breaks. Eventually, by God’s grace, He led us to get our own condo near a Christian Service where, through fervent prayer, Sherwin agreed to attend. Growing into our new relationship with Christ after 2 years, the Lord brought us to this new country out to our new adventure. That is why Isaiah, our youngest son, is what we always refer to our new covenant with our Redeemer. 

We are both a work in progress, everyday we argue about the position of our sofa or how to shut or open the blinds. But one thing we don’t argue about is our faith. While we still consider ourselves young adults as Christians, we firmly believe that only the Sovereign Lord, was able to put it back together and make 12 years achievable. 

“and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.””

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭19:5-6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

  

Feb
09

  
where do You want to lead me, Lord?

what is the map I need to see?

where is my true North?

seeking You,  seeking Your face. 

Help me to unravel this road

Its dark and confusing

Whisper in my heart Your song

Tell me Jesus where we are heading. 

For I only desire

Your calling

For I only desire 

The place You’ve destined. 

Take away my fear

and strengthen my faith

Clarify for me, Your calling.

“However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.”

‭‭Acts‬ ‭20:24‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Nov
03

you’ve pursued me tirelessly

though everyday many years i ignored you

still you never got tired

i shamed you

i denied your existence

and told in your face

how exhiliratingly exciting so many other things

and people

and stuff are compared to you

yet, your still there

you make me well when i am sick

you wipe my tear when i am sad

you give me

when i didnt have

…food

…family

…stuff

as soon as i get up

i went back ignoring you

turning my back

many many many times. 

until one day

my heart broke

for the most precious thing i had got lost

i got lost. 

and just as i suspected, there you are

one more time. 

this time in the deepest of pains, i heard your voice

“my child”

you opened my ears to hear, 

eyes to see

and breathed out 

a new and everlasting life. 

i am never the same. 

May
07

  


The book I’m going to report about is called “I Am Funniest”. The comic in this book is named Jamie Grimm, and he’s on a wheelchair. Why? One time, he got into a car accident. It was pretty tragic. He lost the rest of his family, plus the use of his legs. In the beginning of the book, Jamie had a few days left until the Big Night. This Big Night was the time where he’d compete against other Funny Comics, and win a grand prize. But since his brother was a bully, he forced Jamie into giving half the prize. He and his brother had a chance of receiving $500,000. Crazy right? Well, this event was going to be held in Hollywood after all, where everybody in the world would see it. So, during these few days, Jamie was struggling. He struggled with handling his nervousness and he even thought that he wouldn’t make it the first round. But the day before the big event, a storm hit his place. Everyone was devastated, and had to shelter in a gym, provided by the Red Cross. One of Jamie’s friends told him that he needed to cheer these people up, and so he did. The place was laughing with joy, and smiling with happiness. A few days later, the Big Night was scheduled. He prepared really hard, but had a few doubts within him. The first round came, and he was squirming, and choking, he wasn’t able to get a joke out. If he were to spit one out, it would just send the crowd booing. But even though he was devastated during the first round, he was in to the top 3, for the final round. Jamie soon realized though, that the world gave him their pity vote. After all, he is sitting on a wheelchair. The time the final round approached, Jamie did fantastic, he told about his life story, and sent out a few jokes here and there, to keep it interesting. Overall, Jamie was going to win. In my opinion, at least. So there it is. The longest 30 minutes of his life. The announcing of the winners. The crowd was silenced when the speaker was saying the 1st place winner. It was the longest 30 seconds of Jamie’s life. And so the announcer spoke the following words slowly, “First place trophy, along with $1,000,000 dollars, goes to…….” Jamie clinched. “Jamie Grimm!” The crowd roars, and Jamie’s family was cheering for him. And that is the end of the story. The lessons I learned throughout this book is that “Laughter is the Best Medicine”, and not just that. It was to always share your talent, and use it for good. Use it for God’s grace. [END]


This review is written by my 10 yo son as part of his summer book review which I ask im to do 1x mo. I find it pretty amusing which is why I am featuring it here. 


Mar
16

every little breathe

every step I take

Your glory shines

with brilliance the dust settles

and though I quiver

you hold me still. 

my soul sings of your love. 

love that none can fathom. 

and yet in the sweetest smell of air

you assure me of your presence. 

grace that i so undeservingly receive. 

grace so amazing testifying of your love. 

washing every pride and anxiety in my heart. 

Jesus the champion of my soul. 

sweep me off my old dying self. 

and anoint us with courage to shine for You. 

Aug
16

people passing by
not knowing asking why
where to go, where am i
lost souls, not a cry

breathe the Word through me
let Your glory unscale their eyes
thirsty dehydrate me
that a drop be quenched and see

trembling and in a hurry
prepared and with the Spirit, ready
though still and steady
tis Your time ill for wait patiently

ready steady waiting
Lord, your stronghold excites me
eager like a child for his candy –
“i want one! i want one!” use me.

Jun
14

20140615-010402-3842447.jpg

Dear daddy,

Today I want the world to know that you are my true hero. I know that until now you beat yourself up because I didn’t really get to grow up with you in the same house but I want you to know that it’s ok. I turned out to be pretty okay. Everyday I thank God for such amazing, sweet and lovable father. You never missed a moment letting feel your deep love for me. I couldn’t ask for more. Thank you for all the delicious food you make for me. Thank you for all the hard work you mustered to bring me to good school. Thank you that despite us not being together all the time I know you pray for me everyday. You were always there for me. From the first time I played in Club Dredd, the first time I had my first interview, the times Sherwin and I were fighting on our first year, all the times I got to the hospital, you were there. I never felt you were away. I wish all girls get to have a dad like you. Because I can never be complete without you. You love me so much you requested your sister to make me. I am forever indebted to you.

Happy happy fathers day, daddy. I love you until my breath departs from me.

Your only daughter.

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